(This post is a little bit dirty. It's just a little bit, but I feel better if that's clear from the get go.)
It took about 39 years to figure out how much voltage was necessary to get The Gummer to flinch. Now, before I get into this, let me sprinkle a caveat or three: 1.If I lie on the floor and pretend to be dead (including rolly-rolly eyes) for ten minutes, The Gummer does not react. 2. The Gummer does not engage in normal conversation. 3. The following exchange is the result of years and years of our strange but somehow "it is what it is" communication style:
We are standing iin front of the refrigerator. It is open. Throughout the exchange, the kid version of me keeps hearing "Lah-rie, shut the goddamn refrigerator door" even though The Gummer is the one with the door open this time.
"What did you do all day yesterday?"
She doesn't get any of the online stuff. She doesn't understand that I've been applying for jobs and writing and networking. The importance of researching child support law and improving my Zuma Blitz score mean nothing to her.
"Huh... What DID you do?"
She is making Only Child face. If she had siblings, this facial expression would have resulted in her getting jacked in the face. It's a crazy combination of lemon sucker and ghetto-fab head spinning. She's 76. This is not the time.
"What did you DO all day?'
My brain does not do this. I cannot itemize. Besides, it's an absurd question. I am not in her employ.
"What did you do all day? Huh? Huh? What did you do?" She is still doing Crazy Ghetto Fab Thing with her head. What is wrong with her neck? She's like a cobra.
"What did..."
And that's enough. It's time to stop standing here.
"Heh? Tell me: What did you DO all day?"
"I masturbated for four hours."
I stood there watching her brain twitch. She didn't know what to do.
A faint smile rose up. Sometimes I think The Gummer is a completely normal, cognizant person who just has a weird, Old Country way about her. It's fine, I guess. I mean, if she's going to act like that, then I'm going to act like this. That's how it is with family.
"I'm kidding. I just wanted you to stop talking."
She smiled. It was an actual smile.
I won again.
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