HAPPY BIRTHDAY, MY LITTLE PRALINE!

In honor of The Gummer's 74th birthday, she will be writing today's post.  Indirectly, anyway.

She just answered the phone with:

"Hello? Thank you...

Sweet 16, ain't never been kissed.

Been screwed a lot, but that was it."

Oh, Gummer, Under all that crunchy coating , you are just sweet little, caramelly, ice creamy goodness.

I should revise that sentence, but the other image that came to mind was a turtle. Now I can't stop thinking how much old people look like turtles.

Wait... if you combine those images, The Gummer is Turtle Tracks ice cream. That's good stuff.

(I love that little old lady. I really, really do.)

This is not her birthday cake. It is Jack's "Rocket to 2nd Grade" cake from May. The Gummer just looks cute here.

This is also not her birthday cake. It is a teeny plaster cake that Jack and I made and gave her as a gift. The Gummer's birthday cake is on the counter upstairs, and it's time for another slice.

Happy birthday, Mom!

Be a Fan

PEOPLE OF UKRAINE- THE GUMMER IS LATKA GRAVAS AND MULE

Dear People of the Ukraine,

        This website is getting a lot of visits from your country. (This week I did not post anything new, and I had as many Ukrainian readers as American readers.) Are you reading my blog or is this an accident?

        I have the website set for transliteration to Russian, but I do not think I am using it correctly. I will try to post this in Russian. If you like it, please click "Like" or post a comment. I would like to be loved by your people.

        If you comment, please know that I cannot read Russian. I do not know how to translate Russian into English online. I am American. I think the world speaks English. I studied French for two years and also Spanish for two years.  I could not hold a conversation with a French baby. I might be able to talk to a Spanish baby if there was a black cat under a table and a dog in a house and the baby wanted to know how old I was and, for the sake of the conversation, the baby was willing to accept that I might tango ocho anos (and not know how to type the thing over the "n".)
        Being American, I also do not know where anything is or when anything happened. I went to school for 22 years and I owe $44,000 for my education, but I do not have a good job. That is not so smart. I do have a laptop. I am pretty good at Angry Birds. Do you have Angry Birds in Ukraine? It is a game. It is not an Alfred Hitchcock movie based on a Daphne Du Maurier story. It  is fun and makes me think I am good at physics. I am not good at physics. I also failed College Algebra three times. I am very good at making up words that sound like what I am trying to say. That must make my blog confusing in Ukraine.


         I can see how The Gummer is like Latka Gravas (Andy Kaufman's character on "Taxi"). She is not confused like Latka. She is stubborn. Like mule. My dad was like Archie Bunker mixed with maybe Frank Sinatra or someone from that era. I do not know why I am talking about old TV shows. You probably have more channels than just TV Land. I hope you do, anyway. I like television a lot. Again, I am American. I know Kardashians and Real Housewives. I like to watch The Office, but I do not really like to work.

       Please let me know if you like The Gummer Chronicles and if the way I write makes sense. If you are not reading my blog, please let me know how you found my website. Then you should read my blog.  If you have facebook, please like The Gummer Chronicles. You can email me at heller101@yahoo.com if you can do it in English.

      This is when I normally make a joke about doing it.

      I hope you are reading The Gummer Chronicles. Mila Kunis is really hot, and I love Ukraine.                
 
                                                                                       Laura

دار پوپله اف وکراینه،


تهیس وابسته یس گتتینگ ا لوت اف ویسیتس فرم یور کنتری. اره یو رادیگ می بلوگ اف یس تهیس ان آکیدنت؟
            

 ی هاوتهه وابسته ست فر ترانسلیتراتیون تو روسی. ی ویل تری تو پست تهیس این روسی. یف یو لکه یت، پلاسه کلیک لپست ا کمانت. ی وولد لکه تو به لود بی یور پوپله.یف یو کمانت، پلاسه کنوو تحت ی کانت راد روسی. ی دو نوت کنوو هوو تو ترانسلاته روسی اینطو انگلیش. ی دو ات سپاک فرنچ ور سپنیش ایتهر اون تهوق ی ستودید بوته این کلگه.بینگ امریکن، ی دو نوت کنوو وهره انیتهینگ یس ور وهن انیتهینگ هاپپند این هیستوری. ی ام ات گود ات مته ایته. ی ام گود ات تهه گام انگری بردس. دو یو هاو تحت؟ دو یو هاو فکابوک؟ یف سو، پلاسه لکه "تهه گمر چرونیکلس" ون فکابوک.ی مکه اپ ا لوت اف وردس. یس تحت کونفسینگ فر یوی تهینک تهه گمر یس لکه لاتکا گروس ون تاکسی اکسکاپت شه یس ستوران لکه ا مله. ی watch ا لوت اف تلویسیون. لکه مانی آمریکانس، تهیس یس وحی ی دو نوت کنوو گئوگرافی ور هیستوری.ی دو کنوو ا لوت ابوت تهه کارداشیانس.

     پلاسه لت مه کنوو یف یو لکه تهه گمر چرونیکلس اند یف تهه وی I ورته مکس سانسه تو یو. هوو دید یو فند می بلوگ؟ یو کن ایمیل مه ات heller101@یاهو.کومیف یو کن دو یت این انگلیش.  ی هوپه یو اره ردینگ تهه گمر چرونیکلس. میله کیس یس حوت اند ی لو وکراینه.   

تهانکس،

     Laura

Be a Fan

EVERYONE JUST SAYS WHATEVER (PART II)

1. Jack was manhandling the pumpkin I bought for him to paint if we get to feelin' crafty. I responded with the usual comment.
 Jack: (from the kitchen) "Why do you always say 'Look with your eyes, not with your hands.'?"
Me: (from the living room and for The Gummer's entertainment): "It'll help you when you go to gentleman's clubs."

2. The Gummer informed me that a family friend died yesterday. Oddly, this family friend dated my father at some point during his bachelorium.
Me: "Oh no! Mom, she's up there with DAD!"
The Gummer: (after a slight, but perceptible pause) "Her husband is there, too."
Me: "Oh, COME ON! Dad is WAY better looking than that guy!."
Me: (after a slight, but perceptible pause during which I consider the Free-Range Brain error I made the day before) "I'm sure it's fine."

3. The Gummer is actually going to have the garage sale she has been putting off for at least 15 years. I was trying to put a positive spin on things, but I had skipped my second dose of Adderall. I didn't quite hit the target:
"Well, this might be your last garage sale."
(The Gummer's facial expression is clearly an error message. Aw...)
I try backpedaling with this whole "Well, you know, it's BEEN 15 years and you're in your seventies and..."
Aw...
Crap. Must take Adderall.

4. Jack informed me that he got in trouble for yelling on the bus, and the principal might be calling our house tonight. I have been teaching at the alternative school all day, and the last damn thing I want to do is discuss anyone's behavior with an administrator. (That's not the last thing. I feel like I should clarify that so I don't leave the door open to something horrible.) Though it hurts me WAY more than it hurts him, I declare a rest-of-the-day moratorium on television and video games. When this exacerbates Jack's turkey factor, I resort to CIA-caliber threats:
"If you don't act right, I'm going to make you cut Gummer's toenails."

 Jack's quick response: "I don't know how to use hedge clippers."

5. Though the child support situation has gotten better, Jack's D-A-D invariably doesn't pony up the sperm cabbage when we actually need it... or, like, when it's Christmas or Jack's birthday. It's almost like he is not only evil but also perceptive.
In light of this, I have personally revised our child support policy:
If Jack's D-A-D doesn't pay on  Friday, then on Monday, a Hispanic girl in a 1st Communion dress and soccer shoes comes running out of the alley next to the bar du jour and shouts "Buenos dias, pendejo! Me llamo 'Escuela'" Then, she kicks him in the balls while chanting "Chinga tu madre" until nickels fall out.
It's Tuesday now, so Escuela needs to head down to the GA Bar where he keeps his balls, and get to kickin'.
If my dad had answered my "Do we have any relatives in the mafia?" question with 'yes'... well, that's not AT ALL where he'd  be keeping his balls.

(Psst... Nickel, nickel, purple pickle.)

Please click "Like" if you like it, and send the link to someone new . It's like Gummer Appleseed.

Be a Fan