An SNL Digital Short: Is That Gummer Crazy?

     When “The Gummer Chronicles” becomes a global powerhouse, there will inevitably be an SNL digital short with Kristen Wiig’s Aunt Linda character playing The Gummer in a video for Cee Lo Green’s “Crazy”. At first, the lyrics would be “Is that Gummer crazy? Possibly”, but by the end of the song, the “probably” would be totally obvious.  Initially, Gwyneth Paltrow would be cast as me since she knows Cee Lo and has straight blonde hair, but then, during their monthly street meat crawl, Lorne Michaels would tell Tina Fey about the clip and mention that I was adopted. Tina would insist that adoption is a gold mine of hilarity. She would convince Lorne Michaels to cast Rihanna in the clip. I agree that this is a great decision. I have seen some photos of Rihanna, and we have very similar physiques. Jack would be played by Justin Bieber because Justin Bieber equals ratings. Toonces the Driving Cat would make a surprise appearance as Beaner the Ninja Cat.  (When we first moved here, The Gummer was afraid that Beaner would randomly attack her. She devised a plan to save herself by seducing the cat with people food.)

     “Is That Gummer Crazy?” will turn the Digital Short trifecta (Lazy Sunday, Dick in a Box, and Natalie Raps) into a quadfecta (yes, Windows, add “quadfecta” to my dictionary). After joining the quadfecta, Jack and I will get an apartment in Tribeca. Jack will flirt with Beyoncé while I make Jay-Z laugh. That’s the plan.

    The Gummer’s version of Aunt Linda has submitted her first official review of “The Gummer Chronicles”. I had already explained the advertising aspect (“I don’t understand any of that!”) and then explained it again with some special ed modifications (“Lah-rie, I just don’t understand any of that.”) I had also told her that the site was doing well and that I even had a reader from Singapore. When she, again, didn’t understand any of that, I again modified my presentation: “SING-A-PORE! It’s a country…with people…and they can read…and they read stuff I wrote.” GAH!

    I read her the post about Costanstar the Randy Plumber (minus a few sentences here and there). Her review was as follows:

     “You’re lying.”

     “No, I’m not! What are you talking about?”

     “You aren’t telling the whole story.”

      I was scrunching my eyes up in so many ways that it was starting to hurt. I pressed the palms of my hands on either side of my skull and started squishing as hard as I could. (Deep pressure—it isn’t just for autism anymore.)

      I rolled my eyes, so that I could speak, “What does that mean?”

    “You don’t tell them how messy the basement is.”

     Whatever. Sometimes all you can do is hug yourself, rock back and forth, and make little sounds like, “Uhhhhh….”

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