As things evolve, I will be adding some features to The Chronicles. One idea is "Getting the Gum Out", which will be a series of profiles of creative people and the businesses which feed them. I am also fairly certain that I need to have a "Blue Monday" here and there to sort of put pylons around the slightly more offensive material. The first feature starts today. I got a letter from my friend, Jason:
Dear Laura,
I love the chronicles. I love the ads even better. I love how the ads refer vaguely to the subject of the installment. This latest installment's ads are all about water treatment systems. Would you mention the killing of moles several times in the next one? I really want that bastard tearing up the yard dead, and I'm finally willing to take a contract out on his life, but am too lazy to google it on my own.
Thanks,
Jason
Dear Jason,
Your letter about killing moles brought back some of my most cherished childhood memories. I remember how my dad would arm himself with dynamite's more cavalier cousin, the flare, and some random hoe. Oh, and a bag. I forgot about the bag. Anyway, he'd make his "Dad on a Mission" face and go marching off to the north end of the front yard where the moles invariably chose to build their mini-Boca condominium underworld. He'd put flares in and tromp all over their little mole construction site while I followed him around and analyzed his technique like a little mole apprentice. He would step and stomp and then make a face which, in retrospect, looked like something out of Beaner the Cat's repetoire. As soon as my dad pounced, The Gummer would appear out of nowhere. My apprenticeship would come to a sudden conclusion.
I'm trying to picture the next part of the process, but I can't. One minute, I would be Gozilla in Boca Raton trying to escape the evil Gummitor. The next minute, my dad would be triumphantly carrying a hoe back up to the garage. He'd Copperfield the bag into the trash can and never reveal how he made the mole disappear.
I'm pretty sure what happened. Nothing good can come from a hoe in Boca.
Laura
Email your questions, ideas, and suggestions to thegummerchronicles@gmail.com
First off, it worked! 4 ads dedicated to the killing of moles and other vermin.
ReplyDeleteBut before I do business with them, I think I'll try the flare and hoe technique. It sounds more effective than the garden hose and child's shovel method I had been using.